First published in 2011, Paul Lake’s I’m Not Really Here: A Life of Two Halves tells his remarkable story from early childhood and early career as a rising star for Manchester City and England in the late 80s and early 90s, through his battle with career ending injuries and his struggles with depression.
He writes candidly about his feelings of isolation, despair, abandonment as his world crumbles around him. He was earmarked for a potentially stratospheric career and mentioned as a possible captain of the English national team. Instead, he spent his prime years going from one specialist to another, undergoing multiple surgeries and suffering through near endless rehabilitation.
Paul Lake was a natural born player. The game came naturally to him as a boy, and it seemed that as he matured, success would come just as naturally. As he worked his way into the Manchester City squad and the England under-21s we get a tantalizing glimpse of what the future held for him. He made a habit of nutmegging players, including the likes of Gheorge Hagi. But it was a future that to never materialize.
Three cruciate ligament injuries – the injury every player dreads – brought that to an end. By 27 he was on football’s scrapheap, already forgotten by many.
Lake writes so openly and honestly that this makes for a genuinely heart wrenching read. His story is relatable to anyone whose life has not turned out the way they had hoped or expected. Let’s face it, that’s most of us to some degree.
He is remarkably open about his failings and generous in his praise for those who did whatever they could to help him. If ever there was a man with an excuse for bitterness, it’s Paul Lake but he isn’t out to settle scores. There are a couple of notable exceptions – former City Chairman Peter Swales is one. But Lake doesn’t dwell on it. He says what he has to say about Swales and then moves on. And you get the sense that Swales deserved it.
The last two pandemic scourged years have put mental health front and centre for many people. The spectre of depression is present throughout the latter half of the book. For a period, Lake was unaware of his illness, and when he did face up to it he had to deal with the stigma that still attached to the affliction at the time. A high-profile manager said of Stan Collymore – the most high-profile player to reveal his depression in the 90s – “What’s he got to be depressed about?” There is a far greater awareness today that anyone can suffer from depression at any point in their lives and it is not something that can be dealt with without help from a healthcare professional.
Lake eventually overcame his demons. He doesn’t dwell on the past, he accepts the present and focuses on what could be in the future.
For the most part I’m Not Really Here is a good football autobiography that is elevated to greatness by the candid discussion of clinical depression, and some moments of sublime writing – his description of the “Madchester” music scene of the 1990s is particularly well done.
Paul Lake’s autobiography is not a new publication, but it has a message that is as relevant now as it ever was. Life is a game of two halves.
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